We Didn't Buy The Hardback
by samvimes
Summary: A history of Discworld in filk.


Believe it or not, Gentle Readers, I wrote this between five and seven a.m.   
this morning (which, I suppose, explains a lot). The theory is that it   
summarises the Discworld novels, in chronological order, to the tune of Billy   
Joel's brilliant historical dissertation, "We Didn't Start the Fire".   
Normally I dislike filk, but this was really too good to resist.   
  
I think it's pretty funny even if you don't know the song, but then I wrote   
it, and you can't trust me an inch.   
  
And yes, I know it's not Santa in the Discworld universe, but you try fitting   
"The Hogfather" into that itty bitty syllabic margin.  
  
WE DIDN'T BUY THE HARDBACK  
(with many apologies to Terry Pratchett, Billy Joel, and everyone who reads  
this)   
  
Twoflower, Rincewind, echo-gnomics, A'Tuin  
Gods and dice, bar fights, read the Octavo  
Wizzards, Barbarians, Tourists and Librarians,  
Octarine, Bel-Shamharoth, hyrdrophobes in Krull  
  
The red star scares everyone, trees talk to Rincewind  
Imaginary dragons fly, And the Luggage eats a guy  
Fire in Ankh-Morpork, Death getting down to work  
Spells, cursing, demons, druids, Falling off the Discworld  
  
We didn't buy the hardback  
Coz American stores don't get books that aren't bores  
We didn't buy the hardback  
No we didn't get it   
But of course we read it  
  
Equal Rites, wizard's staffs, Granny visits Bad Ass  
Eskarina, Bees'll sting ya, sexism is moot  
Albert, Mort, Keli's short, Ysabell, Death's a sport   
Bink-ey, cur-ry, scumble's mostly fruit.  
  
Happy ending, all's well, Mort marries Ysabell  
Coin invades and wizards fight, Sourcery is Not Right  
Wyrd Sisters, MacBeth, Duke's got a date with Death  
Nanny Ogg and Magrat, The fool's a king and all that.  
  
We didn't buy the hardback  
(etc)  
  
Teppic rocks, seagulls flock, Dios always comes back   
Gods are near, people fear, Djelibeybi disappears  
Tsorteans, Ephebians, wooden horses, physics bends,  
Pyramids explode and   
Chidder is a Businessman  
  
Guards! Guards! Vimes is drunk, Lady Sybil's got some spunk  
Vetinari, Colon, Nobby, Carrot is a dwarf boy  
Big dragon burns things, toasted figgins, 'Rangontangs  
Errol is a good guy, Magic books are not a toy  
  
We didn't buy the hardback  
(etc)  
  
Rincewind's not a demon, Eric's not a bright one,  
Moving Pictures, Dibbler, banged grains, the Bursar  
Morris dancing's for the birds, Auditors are bastards   
Witches go traveling, Godmothers make bad queens   
'Dactylos and small gods, Omnians are mainly sods  
Lords and Ladies, lots of Fey, what else do I have to say?  
  
We didn't buy the hardback  
(etc)  
  
Men at Arms, trolls are dim, Samuel Vimes is back again  
Mort dies, Susan lies, Imp survives, Death rides  
Rincewind running once again, terror in the Aurient  
People sing in Maskerade, Golems talk in Feet of Clay  
  
Auditors want Santa dead, Susan gets pissed off instead  
Mister Vimes fights Klatch's hordes, Vetinari juggles swords  
Rincewind has a corky hat, Lancre has vampires bats  
Vimes gets mad in Uberwald, No lyrics to end the song!  
  
I didn't get to The Truth  
Didn't get to William, or to the Thief of Time  
I didn't get to Night Watch   
It's a shame I know  
But now I have got to go, to go, to go, to go, to go...  
  
We didn't start the fire  
It was that damn barman, and his inn-sewer-ants plan  
We didn't start the fire   
But now as we run  
It'll still go on and on...  
  
(And /because/ I didn't get to the last three, rewind to the   
first verses and repeat)  
  
Newspapers, William, Sacharissa's not dumb  
Wuffles bites, Pin fights, Tulip likes to snort spice  
Vimes has Drumknott in the cells, Vetinari's unwell  
Nobby wears a dress at night, potatoes make it all right.   
  
The Auditors like chocolate, but they mostly die from it  
Procrastinators spin around, Sweeper is wrinkly and brown  
He comes in to help Vimes, who has traveled back in time  
Revolution, done Reg Shoe in, Vimes gets back and Sam is born... 


End file.
